I was believing that my life as a puzzle that was made more complex and complicating at someone else sick and twisted expense.
So if I was living my life based on someones twisted game I would have pick a Rubik's Cube as the game. I know that a Rubik's Cube is not really a game but more of a puzzle and yes, my life, as we know it, is both a game and a puzzle that I have yet to solve. Whether I am rolling the dice or twisting a colorful cube, there are answers that I am needing.
I was never one that was good with puzzles. They bored me more then anything. Especially the ones that I could not solve. Hence, my life. Right now I am just looking for the correct formation to connect all of the corner pieces together and then I can start filling in the empty spots.
As I sit here with my collage of photographs scattered atop of my coffee table, I am still finding it difficult to hold back the tears. I am starting to feel like I thought that I had left myself down in life, but in fact I believe that it that of others that I have truly let down. My parents, my family and my friends. All who I have almost lost over the years. Some that I may have actually lost for good.
What was I to do? FIX IT! Find the solution to that part of the puzzle and solve that part of my life. I really need to find a way to collect all the same colors on the same side. They say start small and slow. That is what I am going to do. With my box of memories and my notebook in hand, I picked up the phone and called the office. I was going to be late. No. I was not coming in today. I didn't even wait for them to ask if there was a problem, I just hung up the phone.
As I hung up the phone something felt different. A weight had been lifted. A small but significant weight had been removed from my shoulders and it felt good. It was hard to believe that just one simple phone call to tell them I was not coming into the office could make such a different. But, it did and it felt great! I felt like i could breath a little bit easier and that was something i had not done in a very long time.
I flipped open my notebook to see what was all in it. What had I written and why? On the first page was the word MAP circled in red pen. Why did I need a map? Then it came to me. Boxes and Maps...I was going somewhere and going to start connecting the dots, turning more colors on the cube the same. So I quickly changed from my work clothes into jeans and a t-shirt, grabbed my purse, notebook and keys and dashed out the door.
Luckily, I live right around the corner from a large bookstore where I knew I could find maps. As I walked through the door I was shocked by how many people where book shopping at 10:30 in the morning, on a Wednesday. I started to feel like I really had been missing out going to the office at 7:00AM and ordering out for lunch and then staying until 7:00PM on most nights. I could have been wandering around in a bookstore all of this time.
I headed over to the maps. I had shopped for maps when I was traveled to Europe, on business, so I knew right where to look. I needed a nice big maps of the United States. One that showed all of the states and cities. Then I picked up the most current addition of the Rands McNally atlas. I think I was all set. Almost...
I stayed in the map and travel section and walked over to the books that covered the United States and all individual state books. I picked up Ohio. I began flipping the pages one by one. I stared at the pictures as almost in disbelief. It was a feeling that I had forgotten long ago when my family would pack up the car and head to a secret location for a week. Well, mom and dad knew where we were going, but the kids did not. It was always a surprise and we always had a great time. Those were memories that I would find in the box back at my loft.
As I looked through the book about Ohio, I glanced up and selected the book on Iowa and then North Dakota and then Kansas. Before I knew it I had a pile on the floor and it was almost three o'clock in the afternoon. I had visually traveled the entire Midwest in just a few hours and was wanting more. Even though I wanted more I was clearly feeling sad by all that I had missed over the years. Why was it so important to me to forget my past and think that my career was making me happy?
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