Thursday, January 21, 2010

CHAPTER SIX: Merri-Go-Rounds, Swimming Holes and Jeeps


Middlefork, Indiana.

Well, it's a start. I jotted the location down and walked back to grab the dart. With all three darts in hand I closed my eyes and sent one dart sailing across the room taking aim on Hardin, Montana and Burlington, Colorado and Russell, Kansas. I walked back to the dart board and grab them again, but not before writing down the names of the cities from that round of play.

The next round was the same. Cities I had never heard of in states I had never visited. In total I rounded up twenty-five destinations. Now, the next step was to plan. Plan on where I was going and to create a trip itinerary. However, this was not going to be an itinerary but a journey to see what I had been missing all of these years. I wanted to play with the local kids and ride a merri-go-round until my stomach was in a twisted knot. I wanted to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at the neighborhood diner. Pick my vegetables from a garden and fresh flowers from a vendor in the city market. I wanted to swing from a rope and plunge into the warm swimming hole.

As I collected my places I thought about what was I going to do when I arrived? My first thought was to hop on the Internet and see what each place was know for and learn about the places of interest. Then I thought that would be the easy way out. Instead, I thought about keeping a journal of my travels and learning about each place once I arrived. The best part about the adventure would be the surprises that laid around every corner. One thing that I knew for certain was that when I left each place and made my way to the next spot is that I would feel and be welcomed like I was a local. I missed my home and all that it had to offer as a kid that I was going to make sure that each place would feel like home so I would never be lonely again. I was going to let the locals be my travel guides and storytellers.

With my list of all twenty-five cities I went back to the map and started tacking up colored push-pins. Next, just like I was back in grade school I took some yard and looped it starting in New York City and made my way to the end. As I stood back and looked over my journey, I was slightly intimidated but eager to start this grand adventure. Excited about seeing things I had never seen, hearing stories that could not be taught in school and smelling scents that will leave lasting memories.

Now, came the difficult part of the adventure. How was I going to give work my two week notice and then sharing my news with the rest of the world? How many of my friends would think I had lost my mind. Most likely all of them. I was not going to let them get to me with their words of insanity. Instead I was going to be strong and not let them get to me.

I needed to find someone to lease my loft so i would not have to worry about selling my household belonging and the loft. I knew a couple of people that I thought might be interested and would give them a call in the morning. Then I would need to figure out exactly how much money I had to take with me. I would talk with Phillip, my money guy and see what accounts I could close. I had enough money in the bank to not worry and selling my car was going to help out as well. I would have one credit card just in case but, I wanted to pay cash for anything I could. Not only was this to be the trip to renewal, but that if simplicity. Something I have never had in my life.

Since I had a couple of weeks, I posted my car online to see if I could avoid selling it back to the dealership. This way I could get more money from a private sale them giving that money back to the dealer. During this time I would be able to look for a car to buy for the journey. What was I going to want? A Jeep. Yeah, that is exactly the way to travel and feel the freedom. A red Jeep was top on my list.

As I continued to create my list and all that I was needing, a companion came to mind. But, not the companion of the human kind. One of the canine kind. A trip to the humane society would be the perfect solution for finding my companion. This might be the only companion that will have ever know that will truly understand me.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

CHAPTER FIVE: It's All in the Wrist


I left the bookstore and stopped off at the corner deli to pick up breakfast, lunch and dinner since I had not had anything to eat all day. Plus I had no idea that I was going to spend nearly all morning and into the afternoon in the bookstore. So I dashed in and share a quick conversation with Thomas the deli owner and ordered my favorite California Reuben and salad. While I was waiting for my order I noticed that the deli had something I was looking for. Off to the side there was a dart board with a couple of sets of darts. What a perfect way to make my travel selections. When my order came up I ask Thomas for a little favor and if I could borrow one of the set of darts. With not even a question why, he graciously with his soft smile handed me the darts and said, "See you next week with some answers."


Do you ever find yourself allowing your mind to wander? To wander into areas that you might not be familiar with. Well, that is where my mind is going on my walk home. It darted from one topic to another, changing every second. As I made my way into my building, Robert was there to grab the door for me since my arms were filled with bags from the bookstore and my dinner. I waved with a quick 'how-do-you-do' to Robert, the building doorman. Robert has been our doorman since I moved in and has saved my life on more then one occasion. From being late for an appointment to helping to remove an obnoxious date from my loft. Sometime I do not know what I would do without him. Robert is like a saint to me and I will miss him dearly.


"Do you need help Grace with your bags or have you mastered balancing them on your head?" Robert barked out with his dry sense of humor. "Robert, you clearly know just what to say to make my day," I winked at him, "If you could you just grab the lift for me, I think that is all I need for now." As he held open the elevator door I made my way in while shifting the bags. "Thank you, you are my knight in shining armour. You have a great evening Robert and I will see you in the morning," I said as I watch Robert disappear while the elevator doors closed and up I went to my loft.


I fumbled with my keys and as I unlocked and opened the door I just rolled through the door loaded with my bags in hand. As I made my way in, I headed for the living room and dumped my bag of books. Some made it on the sofa and other just fell straight to the floor. I opened the bag from the deli and started eating like I had been forced to starve for days. Shortly after inhaling my dinner I broke out the map. The map was the golden key to making my plan happen.


Luckily, my loft is very open with lots of vast space. The wall reach from floor to ceiling with both concert and hardwood floors. As I unrolled my map of the United States I thought that the wall over the bar area would be the perfect place to hang the map. Most of the walls in my loft are exposed brick, but the wall behind the bar is all wood and will be great for catching darts. I grabbed the staple gun from the closet and went to work on hanging my plan.


Our nation looked inviting from the sun that was turning vibrant orange as dusk started to set into the evening sky. With a glass of red wine in one hand and three darts in the other I was ready to start my quest. With thoughts of excitement filled me, I brought my left hand up and into the position to fire away. One quick release I let the dart fly. With my eyes closed I heard the dart enter the wooden wall with a mild thud. I raised my glass of wine to my lips and took a long drink. I swallowed the wine and spoke to myself, "This is the night that will change the rest of my life." I opened my eyes and slowly walk over to the map.

Monday, January 18, 2010

CHAPTER FOUR: The Rubics Cube of all Boxes


I was believing that my life as a puzzle that was made more complex and complicating at someone else sick and twisted expense.


So if I was living my life based on someones twisted game I would have pick a Rubik's Cube as the game. I know that a Rubik's Cube is not really a game but more of a puzzle and yes, my life, as we know it, is both a game and a puzzle that I have yet to solve. Whether I am rolling the dice or twisting a colorful cube, there are answers that I am needing.


I was never one that was good with puzzles. They bored me more then anything. Especially the ones that I could not solve. Hence, my life. Right now I am just looking for the correct formation to connect all of the corner pieces together and then I can start filling in the empty spots.


As I sit here with my collage of photographs scattered atop of my coffee table, I am still finding it difficult to hold back the tears. I am starting to feel like I thought that I had left myself down in life, but in fact I believe that it that of others that I have truly let down. My parents, my family and my friends. All who I have almost lost over the years. Some that I may have actually lost for good.


What was I to do? FIX IT! Find the solution to that part of the puzzle and solve that part of my life. I really need to find a way to collect all the same colors on the same side. They say start small and slow. That is what I am going to do. With my box of memories and my notebook in hand, I picked up the phone and called the office. I was going to be late. No. I was not coming in today. I didn't even wait for them to ask if there was a problem, I just hung up the phone.


As I hung up the phone something felt different. A weight had been lifted. A small but significant weight had been removed from my shoulders and it felt good. It was hard to believe that just one simple phone call to tell them I was not coming into the office could make such a different. But, it did and it felt great! I felt like i could breath a little bit easier and that was something i had not done in a very long time.


I flipped open my notebook to see what was all in it. What had I written and why? On the first page was the word MAP circled in red pen. Why did I need a map? Then it came to me. Boxes and Maps...I was going somewhere and going to start connecting the dots, turning more colors on the cube the same. So I quickly changed from my work clothes into jeans and a t-shirt, grabbed my purse, notebook and keys and dashed out the door.


Luckily, I live right around the corner from a large bookstore where I knew I could find maps. As I walked through the door I was shocked by how many people where book shopping at 10:30 in the morning, on a Wednesday. I started to feel like I really had been missing out going to the office at 7:00AM and ordering out for lunch and then staying until 7:00PM on most nights. I could have been wandering around in a bookstore all of this time.


I headed over to the maps. I had shopped for maps when I was traveled to Europe, on business, so I knew right where to look. I needed a nice big maps of the United States. One that showed all of the states and cities. Then I picked up the most current addition of the Rands McNally atlas. I think I was all set. Almost...


I stayed in the map and travel section and walked over to the books that covered the United States and all individual state books. I picked up Ohio. I began flipping the pages one by one. I stared at the pictures as almost in disbelief. It was a feeling that I had forgotten long ago when my family would pack up the car and head to a secret location for a week. Well, mom and dad knew where we were going, but the kids did not. It was always a surprise and we always had a great time. Those were memories that I would find in the box back at my loft.


As I looked through the book about Ohio, I glanced up and selected the book on Iowa and then North Dakota and then Kansas. Before I knew it I had a pile on the floor and it was almost three o'clock in the afternoon. I had visually traveled the entire Midwest in just a few hours and was wanting more. Even though I wanted more I was clearly feeling sad by all that I had missed over the years. Why was it so important to me to forget my past and think that my career was making me happy?


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

CHAPTER THREE: Reading the Fine Print

Have you ever felt like you had a million questions and expected each one to be answered at that very moment in time? Well that is clearly what is bubbling in my world. However, the questions are not what I had expected. The answers even more out of the norm in my little corner of the universe. Questions regarding my career, my social life, where I live and WHY am I questioning what I have worked so hard to build?

I took a very long shower that I was hoping would clear my head and let me be normal again. Little to my surprise, that did not happen. All the strange questions were still there. I need to start writing things down so I could try and find a solution and fast.

I took out an empty note pad and start a journal. The journal turn into creating lists. Creating lists turned into pulling out old photos. Then all of this turned to me needing to consume an entire bottle of red wine and the urge for more. I was either spinning out of control or finding the solution I had been looking for. Before I knew it, it was two-thirty in the morning. The wine made my head a little fuzzy but, it definitely made it easier then the past couple of night to actually close my eyes and sleep.

After a bottle of red I had forgotten to set the morning spoiler or better know as the alarm clock. So my day was already starting off on a bad note. However, for some reason my head was clear. I was not worried about being late and making the choice of driving to the office or taking the subway. I figured when I walked through the door they would know I had arrived. I didn't even bother calling Natalie, my Administrative Assistant, to let her know I was going to be late. What was wrong with me?

I walked over to grab my shoes and and sat on the sofa. I buckled the little silver buckles and before I left the house I picked up the note pad I had been working on last night and thumbed through it. There were pages after pages of notes and lists. And lists and notes. I did not remember doing this much writing. As I was reading through the pages and could not believe that these were my words on the paper. I laid the note pad in my lap and sat back on the sofa. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and start sobbing. I began crying uncontrollably and finding it difficult to catch my breath. Once I thought I had myself controlled I opened my eyes and I caught a glimpse of the box of photos on the table next to the empty wine glass. I leaned forward and grabbed the box and placed it on the note pad on my lap.

The tears gently rolled down my cheek as I thumbed through the pictures. The box was a like a broken pinata filled with pictures from my past. My parents home, pictures from the mall with the Easter Bunny and Santa. There were picture from the Sunday potluck dinners at church. My high school friends and family gatherings. There was a picture for just about every occasion of my life in this box. I understood why I was crying and why I felt the way I did. Finally I think I was completely understanding why I was creating the lists and journals. I had lost what was important to me. I gave up on life to have a career that really was not all it was cracked up to be. Essentially, I lost myself somewhere between Time Square and Fifth Avenue.

One thing I knew for certian was that boxes where going to be a very important object in my life.